Support Your Spouse

For me, supporting my wife was not an option. It’s one of the reasons God gave her to me. I’ve come to realize that I may have an advantage over some spouses because I knew about my wife’s abuse within the first few days of dating. My wife thought that I’d run off scared. We’d both been through trying times in our lives and it just made us connect. I know that knowing about her abuse before I fell in love with her is an advantage over some couples but love is a choice. When you got married, you made a commitment “for better or for worse.” We always hope the “worse” never comes but now that the secret is out, I pray that you’ll stand by your spouse. Here are some things that I’d like you to think about.

Be proud of her

When my wife told me her story, I was proud of her. She’d endured so much abuse and she still loved God and wanted to serve Him. She did right by giving her baby up for adoption and had moved on with her life and was trying to make the best of it. I admired her for her strength.

Don’t blame her

It’s not her fault. My wife had no control over the things that happened to her. Blaming her in any way is putting the blame on the wrong person. You can also play the “what if” game but it does not matter. She was abused. Someone took advantage of her and it was not her fault.

She’s not damaged

Some might view a person who has been sexually abused as “damaged goods.” This is far from true. A person may have wounds and scars from the life they have endured but this does not make them damaged. I’ve never looked at my wife as being less of a person because someone abused her. I look at her and realize that she’s a better person because of her past. I’ve always thought that God was going to use her in a special way to be a blessing and encouragement to others because of what she’s gone though.

Help her get justice

This is an area that I feel bad about because it never crossed my mind to get justice for Tina. Tina may not have been ready for it but I never brought it up. She had moved on, had accepted it as her past, and was trying to get on with life and “forget” about it. The great thing is that God had His timing and when the time was right, God worked out the details.

Stand with her (Be Supportive)

It is not an easy thing to bring up the past. It’s even harder to make things right and bring about justice. It’s even harder when you, as a spouse, are not supportive. Your spouse needs you. She needs to know that you support her and will stand with her. She needs to know that no matter what happens you will be with her, not judge her, and do whatever is necessary to make sure she feels loved. It makes everything a million times harder if she thinks you’re going to do to her like everyone else who has abused her in her life.

Listen

Most of the time you’re not going to know what to say but if you just listen, it will go a long way. You may not even understand because you have not gone through it. That’s fine. If you can be a sounding board for her, it will show you how much you love her.

Get Counseling

If you’re having a hard time coming to grips with your spouses abuse, get a licensed counselor who specializes in abuse and have that person help you walk through the issues that you are and will face in the future. Your spouse may be dealing with things that he/she may not understand and it will help them also.

Conflicts will happen

There are times when conflicts will arise between couples because of the stress caused by dealing with the past. Be aware of this. This is probably where I struggled the most because I sometimes took it personal and it wasn’t really me that she was upset with but I was the closest and even the little things were made bigger.

Be aware

Pay attention to your wife. There were times I could tell my wife was not sleeping well and I could only imagine the nightmares she may be having. Do something to help comfort her. I used to turn on the radio or put on a CD of Christian music for her. This seemed to soothe her because the positive, life-affirming music would drown out the dreams and subconsciously dwell on something more positive than her past.

Pray

My prayer was for me to understand my wife better. I knew it wasn’t her that needed to change but me. I figured that if God could help me see things from my wife’s point of view, than I could help her through the things she was going through. In turn, this would translate into a stronger relationship between us.

See the light

You may be going through a dark tunnel right now and see no end in sight but keep your eye on God and He will bring you through. Eventually, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. The best light you see is when you see God’s hand directing and leading and bringing glory to His name because you did what was right. And hopefully you get to see justice. Unfortunately, that does not always happen but it’s great when you do.

This is not an easy thing to go through but it’s easier when you do it with someone you love and with someone who loves you. The Bible talks about two being better than one because when the one falls the other is there to pick them up. That’s marriage and when the trials of life, both literally and figuratively, happen, you’re there to support each other. 

I realize that it’s not just men that have to deal with a wife that’s been abused. Unfortunately, boys have been abused also and it’s just as hard for men to admit they’ve been abused as it is for women. There are a lot of books about abuse but I’d like to introduce you to a man who had to go through this journey. Bill Harbeck lived with his secret for over thirty years. I’ve read his story, Shattered: One Man’s Journey from Sexual Abuse and it is heart-wrenching. I’ve met and talked with him and his wife a couple of times. I would encourage you to read his story.

DEALING WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Most of us coming out of IFB churches and organizations have to deal with family and friends. This separation can put a lot of strain on you, your spouse, your kids, and those around you. For some, family and friends have chosen not to associate with you and have “separated” from you. This is not easy.

Every situation is different but I have a few suggestions on what you can do based on my personal experience.

REMEMBER

o   How hard it was for you to leave.

o   Why it’s hard for most people to leave.

·         The loss of family and friends

·         The lies, gossip, misunderstandings, mean, and unchristian things that will be done and said.

·         The assumption that they’re not following God any more and maybe they weren’t saved in the first place.

·         It's all they have ever known, and change is tough!

REALIZE

o   Some have spent decades in this type of church and organization and don’t know anything else.

o   They might not be aware of the abuses in other churches or possibly even their own church (lots of stuff is "behind the scenes" or hidden).

o   They’re comfortable where they are with what they know.

o   They might not see the problem.

o   If they do see a problem, they don’t know what to do.

o   That you didn’t see clearly all the abuse until you left.

REMAIN

o   Open to restoring relationships and friendships

o   Vigilant in pointing out abuse

o   Strong in your resolve to do what honors God

o   Prayerful – asking for deliverance of others from the hands of abusers

RESOLVE

o   To speak up for victims

o   To not attack others

I’m more fortunate than some in that my sisters and we love each other and haven’t broken fellowship over our differences. I’m sure they’re concerned for my family because we left the IFB and we’re concerned because they’re still in it. Either way, we love and support each other. With my dad’s situation, I’ve not told my dad but I can imagine a parent’s displeasure that you’ve chosen a different path than what you’ve been taught.

Our goal is for our family to honor and please God, not please others. We just pray that we can keep shedding the light on abuse to bring about a change in the system of religion that we grew up in. We pray for change and we see it slowly as people leave the IFB for churches that love God and each other.

My Incredible Wife

I want to publicly say that “I LOVE MY WIFE!!!” My wife is a great woman. I don’t think she realizes how special of a person she is and as I’ve watched her over the past ten years, she has just become an incredible woman. I know she’s an inspiration to many but I want you to know that she’s an inspiration to me also. I love to see how God is using her to help others, just by being a friend. How her friends know they can call her for support and not judgment, for advice and wisdom, and sometimes just to chat because they need a friend and they know she’ll listen. I love her heart for people that are hurting and how she empathizes deep in her heart and soul when she receives a message (email, FB, etc.) from someone who is hurting. I know she wishes she could do more but she does her best to comfort and support the wounded heart the best she can.

I’m impressed with her ability to take care of her family. She handles the day-to-day operations of our family of feeding, clothing, laundry, cleaning, shopping, couponing, medical visits, paying the bills, discipline, crowd control, and basic all-around wisdom. I love how excited she gets when she’ll come home from the store and bought $50 worth of stuff for $15 or she saved 50% on the food bill and is still disappointed that she didn’t do better. She’s just awesome this way in making our finances stretch as far as possible.

I love how she tries to make me a better man and father. I appreciate her for her wisdom and insight. I’ll be honest, I don’t always like it and I don’t always agree with her but when she says something, I take it under serious consideration. I respect her, her wisdom and her viewpoint and I try not to take it for granted. I’m not perfect but by God’s grace, I pray I’m getting better.

The longer I’m with her the more I love her. We fit pretty well together. Of all the people I know, there is nobody else that I’d want to be married to.

I love you, Sweetheart!!!

UGLY PAST, BEAUTIFUL FUTURE

Recently, on my way to work, I was listening through the book of Genesis and I heard the story of Joseph again. In Genesis 45, Joseph tells his brothers that,

7 And God sent me before you to preserve a posterity for you in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. 8 So now it was not you who sent me here, but God;

And then in Genesis 50, he tells them again,

19 Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? 20 But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. 21 Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones.” And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.

I started thinking about Tina’s life when she was a child compared to what it is now. I started comparing Joseph’s life with those who have gone through some terrible things in their life. Some things that are just too horrific to tell. I know there are things that have happened to Tina that she has never told me or anyone else.

Then I got to thinking, “who am I to compare people’s lives today to those in the Bible?” This thought crosses my mind of how special they are to be included in God’s Word. We hold them up as examples but I also understand that they are ordinary people, just like you and me, that God has included in His Book to give us people that we can relate to and feel connected to “His Story,” the story of those who believed and followed Him and knew that He is in control of it ALL.

Tina had a horrible, ugly past but she can now say that God brought me to a place, the here and now, and even though you did evil against me, God meant it for good. He is using it to bring good, not only in my life, but in the lives of others. Now Tina can say, I have a beautiful life and a beautiful future and now God can use me to “save many people” from abuse and to “bring about a great deliverance.”

We don’t know what the future holds but we’ve seen God work. We’ve heard how Tina’s ugly past is helping others find a beautiful future. We’ve personally been able to help deliver others from abusive pasts and prayerfully to beautiful futures. We plan to continue to be used by God to help rescue others from physical, sexual, and spiritual abuse and bring about a “great deliverance.”

CONTEMPLATIONS

A while back I wrote about people’s responses to Tina’s story and asked the question, “What is your response to an abscess?” The past year and a half has been an interesting journey to see how this story has been used to motivate others to make a difference in their circle of influence. How many stories do you know that impact so many different institutions and churches from all over the country? I doubt you know too many and probably none that bring to light the need to address the many forms of abuse that are happening in independent, fundamental, Baptist churches and schools.

It’s been almost two years since we received the phone call from the police asking about Tina’s rape at 15 and the events that surrounded that horrible situation. Little did we know how her story becoming public would change our lives. The police gave us a choice. Tina could come to NH and she could give her statement in person or she could write out her statement and send it to them. We reached out to numerous church leaders in at least three different states and asked for advice. The responses from all of them varied but the most surprising to me was the responses from my own church, the one I grew up in. I expected full support for Tina and my family. The advice, reactions, and the different things that happened behind the scenes helped open my eyes that there was a problem in fundamentalism.

I also started doing a lot of reading. I came across Stuff Fundies Like and Darrell Dow’s Blog. I would start at the beginning and read their journey in, through, and sometimes out of fundamentalism and I related to the struggles and confusion of what I had been taught compared to what I encountered in the “world.” Sometimes the comments are more enlightening than the actual post itself. I started coming across blogs that talked about abuse in the church, such as: Stop Baptist Predators, Blog on the Way, Elizabeth Esther, Emotional Abuse and your Faith, FBC Jax Watchdog, IFB Deception, and others. I don’t agree with everything that these people post but they helped me think about different issues and to view things from an angle and made me aware of some of the issues that people encounter when they go to church. I also came across blogs that shared the story of their lives and the abuse that they encountered, such as: Flotsam & Jetsam, Stitching up the Seams, HGC, and many others. Their stories gave me a bigger perspective on the lives of others outside of my family and the issues that they faced. As time went by, I noticed that more and more people were finding their voice, even if anonymously. More and more people were standing up to say, “That’s enough. I must stand up against abuse. I can’t sit on the sidelines anymore.” I saw more blogs pop up or I saw more posts by people who were already blogging but now they were addressing the issue of abuse in fundamental, Baptist churches. Blogs, such as: Chuckles Travels, Pensees, Desert Petrichor. There are also multiple blogs regarding BJU, such as: BJU Hurts, BJU Accreditation, Chance Rants, which in our circles, BJU has been a major influence in the IFB. I also came across a number of blogs that discussed issues and topics from the IFB viewpoint that only reinforced the decision I made for my family to leave the IFB “notwork.” I also started reading a lot on Sharper Iron and the very aptly named Fighting Fundamental Forums, which showed me and others their true colors towards those people who dared to disagree with them. Again, the comments were another confirmation to me that leaving the IFB was the best decision for my family.

We have now entered 2012. The past year has been full of ups and downs. 20/20 aired six months after they told us it originally would air. The more they researched, the more information they uncovered. I was surprised that the show was only an hour. Of course, the firestorm of IFBdom hit and the hatred that spewed from various IFB sites toward Tina and others really surprised me. It made me realize a few things, which I wrote about here. While having to deal with the lies, character assassinations, twisting of facts, and people’s assumptions and their version of the “truth,” we (especially Tina) also had the stress of the looming trial of Ernie Willis.

That trial was probably the most stressful thing that Tina has gone through during our marriage, other than being married to me. That’s a whole new level of stress on her. Anyway, what a roller coaster of emotions that she went through with giving her testimony, hearing others testify, having people she knew and didn’t know show up to support her, intimidation tactics, legal maneuvers, etc. I can only imagine how she felt. I know I felt very anxious and tried to keep my mind on my job while also keeping up with the events of the trial. We thank all those who supported Tina during this time and this also includes the people from our church that came to take care of our three kids while I went to work during the day. The timing of the trial also caused Tina to miss our son’s kindergarten graduation. You can imagine Tina’s disappointment.

Blog activity regarding Tina’s story seemed to wind down by the end of summer. The sentencing of Tina’s rapist happened in September and the blogs started up again. Activity died down again and then the news that Chuck Phelps was on the BJU Board and things picked up again with the primary focus being on BJU, Chuck Phelps, with the use of Tina’s name again. What’s been amazing to watch is where Tina’s story has impacted lives. We knew it would be talked about but we didn’t realize how much. We hoped it would impact and inspire people to stand up for victims but we didn’t realize how polarizing it would become. It’s hard to take a hard look at yourself and realize that you have been doing things that are harmful to others and unscriptural but it’s much harder for a church or religious organization to do that. Human nature screams “defense, defense” instead of “be open, vulnerable, honest, and willing to change” when confronted with mistakes or sin.

After Chuck Phelps was not on the BJU Board any longer, things quieted down for the holidays. That’s been a blessing. Discussions are still going on in various places but hopefully the story continues to encourage victims of abuse to seek help, advocates to be supportive, pastors to examine their methodology and ways they may be condoning abuse, church members to stop defending or making excuses for abusers (whether pastor or layman) in their congregation, and colleges to evaluate their policies of reporting abuse and teach their students proper responses to abuse, such as: reporting, love and support, compassion, and acceptance instead of blame.

I know this is not the end of Tina’s story. It’s bound to pop up again in the public eye. I’m just wondering what will happen next. At the beginning, I told Tina that I’m going into Marine mode, hence “Tina’s Marine.” I’m here to support and defend her. Our prayer has always been for God to move in ways that only He can move. We’ve seen that happen. We’ve chosen to be used by Him for whatever His purpose. We have also tried not to be a hindrance to Him by seeking our own form of justice or manipulation of who’s impacted by Tina’s story. Our goal was to help see justice, which we’ve seen happen on a number of different levels. Only God knows what other justice God has planned. Our goal was to show others that they are not alone and to encourage others to speak up. Each day more and more are encouraged to speak up for themselves and others. It makes our journey worth it.

"God's grace and goodness towards us is so immeasurably great, that without great assaults and trials it cannot be understood" ~ Martin Luther

OUR 9th ANNIVERSARY

Today, my wife and I are celebrating our 9th anniversary.

I just want to let everyone know how proud I am of my wife. I love her more each day and appreciate her in more ways and that just keeps growing every day of our lives. I can't and don't want to imagine living my life without her or the children that she has borne for me.

She has always been an inspiration to me. She's helped me be a better man. She's helped me develop compassion and be more sensitive to others. I am a better person because she is my wife.

There is so much more that I could say but we are off to the see the Zoo Lights at our local zoo. I'm looking forward to holding her hand and being with her. (We're leaving the kids at home with the grandparents.)

I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART!!!

BOB JONES UNIVERSITY, CHUCK PHELPS, AND FUNDAMENTALISM

When I was growing up, Bob Jones University (BJU) was the primary college of choice. Our pastor was a BJU grad and we had BJU ensembles and speakers come through our church all the time. I’ve heard Bob Jones, Jr. and Bob Jones III speak in our church and have had pictures taken of them and with them. I was one of those kids that would go to the preacher after the service and have them sign my Bible. I know I had their signatures and many, many others but unfortunately I lost that Bible at a hay ride youth activity at South Mountain when I was in high school.

While I was in high school, it seemed to me that if you were to go to college, you were supposed to go to a Christian college and the ones who did mostly went to BJU but a few went to Maranatha Baptist Bible College (MBBC) and even less went to Pensacola Christian College (PCC). These were the colleges that we grew up hearing about. Any other college that we may have heard of was considered too liberal or headed in that direction.

I would have followed everyone else’s footsteps but in my junior year of high school our church started its own college, International Baptist College (IBC). I decided to stay home and I did my first two years of college at IBC but joined the Marine Corps Reserves during my last semester and that summer disappeared into the military for about six months. When I came back, for a number of reasons, I did not go back to school at IBC.

Over the years, my siblings and I have gone to and graduated from four different Bible colleges. One sibling has a degree from MBBC and BJU. The other went to PCC but graduated from BJU. I went to PCC for two years but graduated from IBC and almost finished a master’s degree. A couple years later I went to MBBC and earned a second bachelor’s degree. Although I never took classes at BJU, I’ve been on their campus several times over the years.

My point is that my siblings and I grew up in a church that was and still is independent, fundamental, Baptist and the Christian school that was associated with it and we have been a part of four major colleges that heavily influence the IFB world as we know it.

This whole situation with BJU, Chuck Phelps, and the rest of the IFB, really hurts me deeply. It’s a huge betrayal of all that I was taught. I grew up hearing quotes like: “Do right until the stars fall” and “The greatest ability is dependability” and "Don't sacrifice the permanent on the altar of the immediate" and many others. I grew up to admire these men, thinking they were men of God. What they said, we thought was “gospel” because they said it with authority and used Scripture to back up what they said.

In the classroom, I was taught Greek, Hebrew, Hermeneutics, Bible doctrine, Theology, Bible, and all the classes pertaining to becoming a preacher. I sat under preaching during chapel and church services that espoused everything that you would expect to hear while a college student at a Bible college. I learned a lot and took it to heart, especially when it talked about what it took to be a man of God, a good husband and father, and other sermons and lessons regarding the character a person of God should possess. When I prepared sermons, I did what they taught me and I looked at context, studied the Greek, and applied what I was taught in my various classes. It never occurred to me to take a verse and use it as a jumping off place to preach what I wanted it to mean. I didn’t realize how many preachers did this because I was moved by their stories and enthusiasm and I wished I had that talent.

I’m disappointed with Chuck Phelps because he is the opposite of what I’ve always been taught that a man of God should be. Confidence is one thing but pride and arrogance are another. Authority is one thing but abusing that authority is another. Honesty and integrity is one thing but twisting or rewording the truth to make yourself look better is another. Guidance and counsel is one thing but manipulation is another. If you made a mistake, own up to it. Ask for forgiveness. Do your part in righting a wrong instead of compounding it by trying to hide what you know to be the truth so that you can “save face” in front others.

I’m disappointed with Bob Jones University because, even though I didn’t go there, I thought they stood up for what was right. If someone was on their board or a teacher in their school that did not hold the values that they taught, I would have expected them to make some changes. Instead, they refused to listen to those with legitimate concerns and just blew them off with an attitude of pride and self-righteousness. This is not the first time this has happened but it’s the most current and maybe the most obvious example of the superiority mindset of the school. It makes me concerned that the students coming out of there are picking up the same mindset which influences the churches and schools where they minister.

What bothers me most is their extra-Biblical teaching. Their views have been modified based on the changing of the times, bad press from the media, social activism, and many other reasons. But, If racism is wrong, it’s always wrong. If mixed marriages are wrong, they’re always wrong. If accreditation is wrong, it’s always wrong. If it’s a preference or an opinion, say so and say why but don’t condemn others because they disagree with you.

They, and many others like them, have taught and preached about things using Scripture but they were misusing Scripture and then their students come out doing the same thing. When I look back on myself, I did the very same thing. I was taught certain things and thought it was based on Scripture, only to realize later that it’s really a preference or another man’s opinion. I accepted and adopted philosophies as my own because those I thought that those with more experience knew what they were talking about.

I’m disappointed in fundamentalist Baptists as a whole. There are exceptions but over the past year and a half my eyes have been opened by their lack of compassion, their lack of integrity, their lack of standing up for the abused. They’d rather protect their image than to protect their character. They’re afraid of how people will look at them on the outside and not how God looks at them on the inside. The things I’ve learned over the past year about the movement that I grew up in has made me realize that I never want to be an independent, fundamental, Baptist again. I believe in the fundamentals of the faith as taught through Scripture but I found out that Baptists do not have the market cornered on Bible truths.

I’m also disappointed in myself. I realized years ago that there are different churches for different kinds of people but I had it in my mind, due to my training and background, that if churches and people didn’t do things like I did then they were less spiritual and as they grew spiritually, they would look more like me and my church. It wasn’t until we made a decision that we couldn’t stay at our current church that I was forced to decide where to go, which also caused me to evaluate what I believed and what I had been taught. I realized that your music doesn’t indicate your level of spirituality. A church’s worship team was not an indication of apostasy. A person's appearance is not a manifestation of a person's heart towards God. The “world” is not the things you do, such as: clothes, food, drink, music, movies, tattoos, etc. but the mentality of your heart, such as: greed, lust, hate, pride, and many more.

When I looked at Scripture I thought I was the tax collector praying “be merciful to me a sinner” but I came to realize that I was the Pharisee saying “I am not like…(other sinners)..” Then I felt like I became like the Pharisee who came to Jesus at night and had to learn what Scripture really said and not what I thought and taught it was saying. Eventually, just like that Pharisee, I left. I had to leave. I lost a lot with that move but I gained so much more.

I’m not saying that all IFB church members and pastors are Pharisees but looking back on myself, I was and I didn’t even realize it. Maybe you are too. I’m far from perfect and I still wear a mask at times to others but in my new surroundings I can be more honest and open about who I am because I don’t have to worry about looking perfect. I can be more honest about my faults and learn from others who might have the same weaknesses and struggles that I have. It’s been very enlightening and encouraging.

This is my question, “Is it more important what people think about you by the way you act and dress OR what you really are on the inside, the person that God sees?”

THANKSGIVING

Today is Thanksgiving and I wanted to share with others some of the things for which I am thankful.

GOD

I thank Him for providing His Son for our salvation. I thank Him for ALL things that He has provided, ALL that we have been through, and ALL the future that He has in store for me and my family. I thank Him for all the below because without Him, I would have nothing.

FAMILY

I thank God for my wife. Every year I grow closer to her but I think this past year our relationships and connection with one another has grown exponentially. The more I know her, the more I love and admire her. I was alone for quite a while before I met her, married her, and started having children with her. I would not change it for the world. It’s amazing what you learn about yourself when you start to live with someone else. I thank God for this gift of love.

I thank God my three beautiful children. Through them, I learn something almost every day. What I love most is the insight that I gain into the relationship between parent and child. This insight gives me a perspective of God’s relationship with us, His children. But He’s a lot more patient than I am, for which I am also thankful.

I thank God for my siblings. We don’t always see eye to eye on things (and I would not expect them to) but I know they love me and my family. I thank them for their prayers. I know they worry about us and I’m thankful they are in my life.

CHURCH

I thank God for the church He directed us to. When we filmed 20/20 in the summer of ‘10, we had just started our search and that was only the second church that we had visited and it was our second visit because we didn’t know where else to go. We spent the summer going to various churches before we decided which was best for our family and then it was another 14 months before we decided to join with these believers.

We thank God for the many relationships and friendships that we have built there. We’re excited to get involved in the many ministry opportunities within and outside the church. We thank God for a church that wants to get involved in people’s lives and to give back to the community and be a ministry and an outreach to those less fortunate than ourselves.

JUSTICE

I thank God that justice was served this year. Although it was slow in coming, God worked in an amazing and most bizarre way to bring to light the crimes that had been committed against Tina so many years ago. I thank God that He gave Tina the strength to tell her story to the police, to allow her story to be shared through the media, to go through the trial, and finally to see her rapist sent to prison. God is not done and we'll see what other areas God brings justice. We thank you for what He has done and what He will do.

SUPPORT

I thank God for all the people that God has brought into our lives, and especially Tina’s life, that have been a comfort and a support for Tina over this past year. It’s amazing the number of people who have supported and defended Tina on numerous blogs, blog comments, forums, websites, Facebook, etc. I am thankful for every one of you who is standing up and taking a stand against abuse. I am thankful for all of you who are sharing your stories with others. It makes others who have been abused not feel alone.

ASSAILANTS

I thank God for those who have and are still attacking us and other survivors of abuse. It’s hard to be thankful for this but I know God has a purpose. It’s hard to have your integrity and character questioned by people who think they understand all that has happened or they twist the story to fit into their preconceived ideas of what happened. It makes it harder when all you’ve tried to do is be as honest and open as possible. It’s a reminder to me that not everyone likes it when you stand up for yourself or for others. Not everyone is going to agree with you even when all the facts come out. Not everyone is going to like you when you “rock the boat,” even if you’re right. Not everyone likes the truth.

I’m thankful for the assailants because God is using them to wake up the people on the fence to choose between standing up for the abused or staying comfortable in their religion.

II Corinthians 2: 14-15

Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place. For we are to God the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing.

I Thessalonians 5: 18

In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

THE INFLUENCE OF OUR PARENTS

“You” are the product of two people that came together that created your life. Hopefully, it was a product of two loving people and they are the ones who raised you but sometimes the circumstances are not so fortunate.

Have you ever looked back on your life and contemplated the impact your parents had on you? There is always the debate of nature versus nurture but in reality, it’s a combination of both. Some of the influence is intentional but I dare say that a majority of the impact our parents had in our lives was unintentional. Through the actions or inactions of our parents, they helped shape us into the adults that we are now.

I’m defining a parent as the person(s) who raised you. If you’re lucky, you were raised by someone who loves you, no matter if they are your biological parent(s) or not. A parent can come in many forms: biological, step-parent, adopted parent(s), single parent, care-giver, grandparent(s), etc., etc.

For one reason or another, your “parent(s)” may change. The reasons are numerous. In my case, I had two loving parents. They also gave birth to a daughter about 15 months later but then another 13 months later, she died. Can you image the impact that this had on me, a two year old, and my sister, who had just turned one? We then lived with our grandparents and their one and a half year old boy. Yes, my grandmother gave birth to a child four days before I turned one. My dad worked and we lived with them for over two years.

Then, when I was four and a half, my dad remarried. My dad and my second mom had a daughter one and a half years later and that was it. When I talk about my “mom,” my second mom is one I am talking about. I didn’t think of her as a step-mom. She raised me. She loved me. I love and miss her very much. Except for a short period in 4^th grade, I never thought of her as my step-mother. I knew she was but she was my mom. Some people never knew that she was my step-mother. Some people may have even forgotten about it. It was not a secret. It just was something we never discussed.

My mother was a very godly influence. She loved God and did her best to serve Him. That’s one of the reasons my dad married her but not for the reason you would think. My dad married her because he knew she would raise his kids the way he knew they should be raised but not how he wanted to live. He wanted us to be raised up as Christians serving God, going to church, going to a Christian school, and being what he knew he should be also. But, my dad was not a good man. My dad, to name some of his qualities, was a cheat, liar, manipulator, and later, much, much worse. My dad was two-faced. For over twenty years, he pretended to be a good Christian but in reality he served himself and did whatever he wanted. For years, people thought of him as a good Christian but it was all a show, smoke and mirrors, a façade he hid behind because he wanted to live like the world but he wanted the church to think of him as Godly.

While growing up, I looked up to my father. I admired him and wanted to be just like him when I grew up. My dad taught me how to work. During the summer, I would go with him to his jobs and help him. He taught me chess. He taught me how to win and lose graciously. He taught me to obey and to fear him but I don’t remember him being cruel to me. I’m told by others that he used to belittle us as kids but I don’t really remember that but I know that the way he treated me had an impact on my life. My parents had their problems but they kept them hid from us. It’s not until you look back that you realize that something was not quite right. For the most part, I grew up in, what I thought, was a pretty stable home. It wasn’t until the oldest two moved out of the house that he stopped caring about appearances of his double life around the house.

When I was in my late teens, we moved to a house with a laundry and storage room attached to the back of the house. This is where I lived. I had to go out the sliding glass door in the living room to the back yard and into my room. Sometimes, late at night, I’d go look through the hole in the curtain through the glass door to see what my dad was watching. To say the least, it wasn’t wholesome. I’d ask him questions about music and other things. It didn’t always jive with what I was being taught at church and school. What it taught me and what I remember thinking was, “As a parent, you teach your kids the highest standards but as an adult you don’t have to live up to those high standards, you get to pick your own standards.” Basically, I learned hypocrisy. I learned “do as I say, not as I do.” I was in my early twenties and by this time I was out on my own doing my own thing.

One day my dad found something in my car that made him realize I was obviously disobeying God and living in sin but my dad didn’t confront me about my sin or say anything negative about it. A couple years later, I realized why. He was living in his own sin. At first, when I found out, I thought it was cool and that my dad wasn’t a “square.” What I realized later is that it was a justification of my own sin. I found out that I was following down the same path as my father without even knowing it. I was not as entrenched into the sin of the world like he was but it would have only been a matter of time. By the grace of God, He pulled me back to Himself.

When Tina was very young, her parents divorced. Her mom, Chris, then marries a man because he got her pregnant, After the marriage, she had a miscarriage. This man makes her and her brother’s life a living hell by beating them severely for the smallest infractions. Tina still has scars on her body from the physical abuse she suffered. Daniel ends up in prison, not because of Chris but because of a baby-sitter. Chris & her two children move across the country to New Hampshire. Daniel gets out and moves to NH and the beatings begin again but this time the sexual abuse starts also. Again, Daniel goes to prison but not for what he did to Tina, but for beating Tom, indecent exposure, and sexually abusing some other child. For years, Chris makes Tina and Tom visit Daniel in prison every week. Chris is mostly an absentee mom. She’s working, school and church. Tina and Tom are left alone a lot to fend for themselves.

When Tina is 15, she’s raped twice by an adult, someone she looked up to. That trust was broken. When it’s finally revealed to her mother, she calls the pastor and a series of events sends her to Colorado. After the baby has been born, adopted to loving parents, she lives there for a while until she’s forced to go back to NH. She’s now forced to go to church where the man who raped her is still attending. She’s finally able to leave home and go to college.

While at college, her father, who divorced Chris and is now married to someone else, comes to visit her in WI. She has not seen him since she was a couple years old. He’s now trying to be a dad. With all the lies that her biological parents have told her about each other about why they did not remain married, it’s kind of confusing on whom to believe.

Finally, thirteen years later, the past is drug up and police become involved and it hits the media like a wildfire. What’s Tina’s mom’s response to all of this? Silence and then betrayal. She used to call every week or two, now nothing. Why? My guess is self-preservation because Tina not only told of the rape of Ernie but also of the physical and sexual abuse of Daniel, Chris’ husband. Then, at trial, instead of trying to help get justice for Tina, she lies.

THE BIGGEST WAY OUR PARENTS AFFECT US IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS. In this case, I’m not referring to how we relate to one another, although that is affected also. What I’m talking about is the long term family interactions we have with our parents and our kids have with our parents. It would be great if we all had great relationships with our parents but sometimes our interactions with our parents are broken and bruised. It would nice if they could all be mended and healed but sometimes it can’t or won’t ever be fixed.

I’m thinking about all of this because this month, 17 years ago, a relationship with my mother was permanently severed and was severely broken with my father due to the self-centered actions of one person. Seventeen years ago this week was the last time I ever talked with my mother. Because of our conversation, I spent a day in prayer and fasting asking for God to turn my dad’s heart back to Him. I knew things were bad and I knew my dad lived in sin and that he didn’t bother hiding it any more. Now he was trying to get my mother to leave him so that he still looked like the good guy. I cried with my mom. What does a son tell a mother whose father is a horrible husband?

About a week later, I got a phone call that my mom had disappeared. On Halloween, October 31^st, I was informed that they had found her. Two weeks later, my father was arrested and confessed. He was 50 years old and has now spent almost 25% of his life in a state prison. About every six months, I take my family to go see my dad. They did not understand the restrictions and rules that we had to follow or why we could not stay at grandpa’s place. We never explained it to them. A couple of weeks ago two of my children were watching the myth buster show of Jamie and Adam trying to break out of prison and they put two and two together. I’ve always told my dad that he’ll have to explain to them why he’s in prison. Our next visit will be an interesting one. It won’t be an easy one.

Sometimes relationships are damaged by the actions of parents. He took a beautiful person’s life. He took away the relationship that she could be having with her grandchildren today. He limited his own relationship with them because he lives in prison. He damaged severely the relationship with his own parents. His three children have tried to maintain some sort of relationship with him but it’s hard to trust, even after so long. Forgive and forget is not even an option. Consequences for him have an impact on us. He has been forgiven. I pray that his grandkids forgive him also.

Tina and I both think a lot about telling the children about our families. Some day we will have to explain why Tina’s mom does not visit or call. We pray that some day that relationship will be restored. We had to explain how Tina’s dad’s wife is not Tina’s mom. After not being in Tina’s life for about 18 years, he’s being a grandpa to our kids. We’ve explained that my mom is not alive and that her friends have “adopted” our kids as their grandkids since my parents can’t. They do a great job. They have adopted our whole family as theirs and we love them very much. Some day we’ll tell the kids about their sister and the situation that happened. We’ll explain that she was adopted, loved, and raised by a great family who loves God. We pray that some day we’ll have a relationship with her.

That’s the impact that our parents had on us. I pray that we have a better impact on our children.

Tina's Marine is now on Twitter

Tina's Marine is on Twitter - You can follow him here:

@Tinas_Marine

A “THANK YOU” TO 20/20, ESPECIALLY ELIZABETH VARGAS AND ALAN GOLDBERG

I wanted to write an open letter to those who helped tell the stories of Rachel, Jocelyn, and Tina. In May ’10, Tina’s story broke to the public. The wide-reaching impact of her story we never imagined. We never realized that Tina telling her story to the police and the arrest of Ernie would cause such an uproar all over the country. We were warned but we were still surprised. Many, many shows, networks, newspapers, and others called for interviews. We accepted three. One was on Memorial Day weekend, another from a local network after the trial was over, and the biggest from 20/20.

We accepted 20/20’s request because we were sure of your journalistic credibility and the seriousness of this story would not be taken lightly. My wife and I were not disappointed and we know there was a lot more that could have been told. There was a lot more information that you dug up while researching that could have had us glued to the TV for another hour or two. If you were doing an in-depth analysis of IFB churches and the abuses that could be found in those churches, it would take hours upon hours to tell the experiences of all the people you could have talked to.

I wanted to thank you for how much work you all did. Originally we were told that the story would air in September ‘10 and then it was pushed to January ‘11, then March and then finally aired in April 8, 2011. Waiting for that story to air was tough. When the newspapers hit with the story, it was big and so we were much more aware of what could happen when it hit TV.

I want to thank Alan Goldberg for his professionalism, kindness, thoroughness, and so many more things. He came to our house at the end of June ’10. He hung around with us for about 48 hours filming and asking lots of questions. The biggest thing that I admire him for is how he handled our church situation. He wanted to film us going to our church. Well, we didn’t have one. We had visited a couple of churches and there was one we had been to twice and suggested we do it there. He called the pastor to ask permission to film in the church. The pastor had met us once but he called us (and we appreciate this pastor for doing this) and he made sure it was ok with us before he gave Alan permission to come. Alan was not planning on staying long but we asked him to stay and we are glad that Alan did. We also appreciated Alan because he kept us informed of how things were coming along.

I want to thank Elizabeth Vargas and everyone else involved with interviews, research, filming, and all the work that was involved in presenting the stories of Rachel, Jocelyn, and Tina to the public. I’m sure that a lot of the things that you uncovered surprised you. People can tell that you were surprised by the answers you received as you are interviewing them. I wish I could say that I was surprised. I was fortunate not to have experienced the depth of some of the abuse that has happened in some of these churches but I’ve heard too many stories and experienced the culture of the IFB in many churches and I understand how the environment can lead to abuse, if it hasn’t already. Unless a person has grown up in an IFB environment, they are surprised when we tell them our stories and the things that we’ve been through. When we’ve told people in our current church what happened in the past, they can’t believe the way the situation was handled. Our current pastors thought 20/20 did a great job and were shocked. We have plans to meet with them soon to see what steps they will take if abuse happens in our current church.

I also want to apologize for all the letters, emails, tweets, comments, blog posts, etc. that have come from people claiming to love and serve God and have used it for justification for attacking Elizabeth Vargas and the 20/20 news story. Some accused you of having an agenda and then going out to find people to support what you think. The facts of the story have been substantiated through multiple sources. The only agenda you had was to tell Tina’s story and then substantiate it through research. That’s exactly what you did. You had two other women from different churches from different parts of the country tell you their experiences to show that what happened to Tina was not an isolated event. Unfortunately, it happens all too often.

The biggest thing that the IFB seemed to be upset about was being lumped together with other IFB and labeled a cult or has cult-like tendencies. I saw more concern for their reputation than addressing the problems in IFB churches. They want to band together at conferences, fellowships, colleges, seminaries, camps, meetings, etc. but when something ugly happens or sin exposed or someone exposes a problem with an IFB church or organization, they want to retreat to their “independent” church and say that it does not involve them because “we don’t have any say in what happens over there.”

It was not 20/20 that stated all IFB churches are a cult. You did reference a website that states all IFB churches are a cult and one or more of the people that you interviewed stated they are a cult or had cult-like tendencies. You allowed them to state their opinions and they are entitled to them. Based on your research and the thousands of stories of abuse all over the country, it would be pretty hard to prove them wrong.

I understand their anger and frustration about being lumped together. One of the “rules” of arguing or debating is that you don’t use “always” or “never” because that is what people will get hung up on. They’ll think of the one time they didn’t do something or the one time they did do something and miss the whole point of the argument. In this situation, if the word “most” or “almost all” had been used, the statement would have been dismissed as not referring to them because not everyone is doing it and we are one of those that are not.

IFB churches and organizations will say, “I’m not a cult” but they need to examine why people are saying it. Nobody likes to be lumped together with anything that is negative. Someone might be able to find an exception to the rule of “everybody” but if a pastor(s) in a church demand a high level control over their congregation and ministries, and have what some would consider cult-like tendencies; the atmosphere of these churches will lead to abuse. This abuse will come in many forms, such as: financial, spiritual, verbal, physical, emotional, and even sexual. IFB churches don’t consider themselves a cult or even abusive but if they keep going down the path that a lot of IFB churches seem to be going down, they will be a cult. I doubt that anybody who has been in a cult sees it as a cult while they are in it; they just see themselves as being right.

Thank you, 20/20. Some got the message. Because of your presentation, individuals and families in churches have been able to examine their surroundings and have chosen to make a difference. Some have brought attention to the pedophiles in their church and are making changes to protect their children. Some have chosen to speak out about their own abuse and are trying to heal from the wounds that have been hidden for so long. I hope people will share some of the changes that have happened in their own lives and in their churches.

There were some that claimed you were being unfair or unbalanced in your approach to this story. They assumed that you ignored evidence that conflicted with what they assumed was your bias. They must not have noticed and should watch it again. I want to thank you for trying to tell both sides of the story. You gave a chance for Brian Fuller to explain his side of the IFB movement. He gave the standard lines that most pastors would have given you if you had been able to interview them. You saw him squirming when he was confronted with the pedophiles in his own church. The last that I heard, those men are not part of the congregation at Trinity any more. I want to thank you on behalf of the children at Trinity. This story made church members aware of who attended their church. This also helped them make changes in how they protect their children. They say they were doing it in the past but now it’s in writing.

Several times throughout the program a statement was made by one of the people being interviewed and viewers of 20/20 were shown or told what (such as Phelps’ statement to 20/20) and who (Phelps’ wife) disagreed with a statement. 20/20 tried to interview Matt Olson, Chris Leaf, and Chuck Phelps to get their point of view but they refused. You finally had to surprise him in person to get a statement from Chuck Phelps. Several IFB people had chances to give their side of the story. Only one person had enough courage to stand up for their church and the IFB. I’m sure 20/20 tried to interview people from Marquette Manor to get the other side of Rachel’s story. I’d be curious to know who on the pastoral staff turned down interviews with 20/20.

Thank you, 20/20. I believe that you did a great job. I pray that the stories you heard, the information you dug up, the sermons that you heard preached, the hateful responses you received from those professing to believe in God did not harden your heart about God. I pray that you understand that the Creator God, the Jesus who came to earth to die for our sins and rose again, does not condone the sins that are found in many churches. I believe that the story you told of Rachel, Jocelyn, and Tina is part of a wake-up call to the churches that are called IFB. I believe that if the sin of abuse, that is in many of these churches, is not addressed through “sackcloth and ashes,” these churches will see God’s judgment.

FORGIVE = FORGET ?

written by Tina's Marine

Many, many years ago, something very tragic happened in my family. It wasn’t something that you could hide. It wasn’t something that you could forget. It wasn’t something that you could just walk away from and pretend it didn’t happen. It was something that rocked not only our family, but our church. It is tempting to tell you what happened so that you understand the seriousness of this sin but that’s one of my secrets that I don’t tell very many people. Some day my kids will be told but not right now. The sin was dealt with, justice served, and punishment given.

Now what? Forgive and forget? Not possible. Forgive? Possible. Forget? Not an option. We grow up with the "forgive and forget” mindset. I don’t remember being told specifically, while growing up, to “forgive and forget” but it is the mindset of many people. We are taught to forgive. It’s biblical. We can go to Scripture and find guidelines of how many times we should forgive, when we should forgive, and who should go first when seeking reconciliation. We see many examples through Scripture of forgiveness starting in the first couple chapters of Genesis and all the way through to the end of Revelations. We have Jesus showing us the ultimate example of forgiveness while He hung on the Cross for our sin.

Does forgiveness equal or result in the forgetting of the infraction? When someone has sinned against us, what do we do? Forgive. The Bible is clear on that and I’ll let others debate on if you can or should forgive or offer forgiveness to someone who has not asked for it or genuinely repentant in the wrong that they have done.

It’s not always easy to forgive because we have some faulty thinking. We might think that if we can’t forget what they did to us, then we have not forgiven them. We might think that if we insist they suffer the consequences of what they did, then we have not forgiven them. We might think that if we don’t allow them to have the same privileges or liberties that they had before they did anything, then we have not forgiven them. I think that we have all thought these things at one time or another. I know I have.

I believe this is why we equate forgetting with forgiveness. We think, if I can just move on like nothing ever happened, then I know and I can show others that I have forgiven them. If I can’t do that than I’m not “turning the other cheek” or “forgiving 70 times 7” or some other Scripture that is used regarding forgiveness.

What we seem to forget is that the Bible is also very clear that forgiveness does not remove or lessen the consequences. It does not automatically restore a relationship to its previous position or condition. It does allow for a relationship to start the healing process. Depending on the infraction would make a difference on how long the healing takes. Remember the abscess? The sin (abscess) can be acknowledged, dealt with, and treated but it still takes time to heal.

About fifteen years ago, a couple of years after my family went through our horrible ordeal, I was dealing with this issue of “forgive and forget.” I was concerned that my attitude, actions, and reactions were not in line with Scripture. I went to be a counselor at a Christian camp and during the training week we had a lesson on forgiveness. The first thing the young counselors started to say was that you “forgive and forget.” I brought up the point that some things you just can’t forget. I was able to get some Godly council from our camp director and we became friends. When I decided to go back to college, he’s the reason I chose the one I did and ended up meeting my wife, so, “thank you, Dr. J.”

My biggest concern was that even though the person who hurt our family seemed to be changed or at least trying to change, I just didn’t trust this person. How could I be sure that this person's new-found belief in God was real or just another calculated move to gain our trust again, to make us love this person again? I never stopped loving but could I trust this person again? Is this person really different? Over the years, I’ve done my best to maintain a good relationship with this person and I believe that there has been a change in this person's life but in the back of my mind there is still a small nagging doubt.

When Tina and I got married, Chris, Tina’s mom, came by herself to the wedding. We had our first child ten months after the wedding. We went to go see Chris in NH. Daniel, her husband, had been released a couple years earlier. While there, Daniel asked to meet us because he wanted to talk with us. We met at a donut shop and he apologized for “things I may have done to you but I can’t be specific because my lawyer told me not to.” We knew he was talking about the physical and sexual abuse he had done to Tina. We accepted his apology. Was he truly repentant if he would not say what he had done and willing to accept the punishment for his sin? I’ll let others debate that but I’ve been wondering about that recently myself. I also understand that it is human nature to avoid consequences, even when you know you deserve them.

Over the years, Chris has wanted to come visit her grandchildren (she did once right after our youngest was born) but she wanted to bring Daniel. We told her that if he came he was not allowed in our home. We said it was fine if he came but they’d have to stay in a hotel. She could come over and we’d be willing to meet in public places but we were not going to put Tina and our children in a position where they could be abused in any way. This made Chris upset because Daniel had asked forgiveness and we weren’t showing that we had forgiven him if we didn’t trust and believe him that he had changed. We’ve been accused of being unforgiving and unloving because we’ve put boundaries up to protect ourselves and our loved ones. Has he changed? I don’t know but I do know that I’m not going to put my family in a position to find out that he has not changed. He has not earned that privilege. Is he forgiven? Yes. We forgive him. Should he still pay for his crimes? Yes, that’s Biblical. Can or should we put him back in a position of trust where he might abuse again? I won’t. With some things, maybe trust can be restored. In this case, I’m not going to take that chance.

Let me tell you a story that I was told about a family that I have known since I was child to give you an example of the problem of believing in “forgive and forget.” As a child, I knew a couple that were friends with my parents. The woman used to watch me and my sisters. This couple has two children who are now grown and married. What I found out recently was that the man had been abused by a relative and then this same relative later abused his daughters. I can’t tell you how much that still hurts and bothers me on so many different levels. The biggest one is why didn’t the father keep his children away from the person who abused him when he was a child. They’re Christians. Did they do the “forgive and forget” and hoped it wouldn’t happen to their children? Did this relative tell them he’d changed and my friends didn’t want to seem unforgiving and unbelieving and so trusted a man who ended up betraying their trust? I’m not sure but I don’t want to be the father who didn’t take the precautions to protect his children even if others think he’s being unforgiving.

Another example happened between my dad and I. When I joined the Marines and went to boot camp, I gave my dad my checking account. I was gone for about three months and you don’t have access to anything and your paycheck is deposited into your account. When I got home there was nothing in my account. My dad had used it. Now, he did pay it back within a week but he used it without permission. I guess he thought it was ok since he was my dad and I would have said “yes” if he had asked but it was just strange. A couple years later when I got deployed to Saudi Arabia for a few months, I needed a power of attorney for my finances and instead of giving it to my dad, I gave it to my mom. I had doubts about my dad and so I asked my mom instead. It’s not as serious but a trust had been abused and I didn’t want to put myself in that situation again.

Each situation will be different and the seriousness of the abscess will determine the severity in which it must be dealt with and how long the healing may take place. I’ll forgive but you’ll have to earn my trust again.

I remember growing up asking the question, “How does God forget?” We are told that God puts our sins as far as from the East is from the West, which means they never meet. We are taught that this means that God does not remember our sins. Is this true? How is God forgetting something possible? I submit that it is not possible. What is possible is that if we have accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, our sin is covered by His blood. God does not see it but what made that possible? The penalty for our sin nature was paid for on the Cross. Our spirit is made alive by Him because Jesus paid the cost because we are sinners. Forgiveness came through the payment of sin. In the physical realm, would this mean that forgiveness can only come through paying for your sin? Can you be forgiven if you can walk away from your sin without any consequences?

Spiritually, a Christian has their sin forgiven but physically, there are still consequences for sin and the things we do while here on earth. We can’t just do what we want and say that because God’s blood covers our sin and He does not see it spiritually and so you should not look at it here physically. In other words, you can’t say “forgive and forget.”

Does forgiveness equal forgetting? I would answer “no.”